


Haml

by WolfsbaneHorizon



Category: Hamlet - Shakespeare, SHAKESPEARE William - Works
Genre: Comedy, Humorous, Parody, but I don’t regret this at all, this is kinda dumb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-18
Updated: 2018-09-18
Packaged: 2019-07-13 23:41:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16028432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfsbaneHorizon/pseuds/WolfsbaneHorizon
Summary: It’s literally just Hamlet but condensed and humorous. Enjoy this piece of (bleep).





	Haml

**Author's Note:**

> This is actually the second Hamlet Parody I’ve written. This one is significantly shorter though, and less serious.

**Scene 1: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)**

Francisco: I don't matter!  
(Enter Barnardo)  
Barnardo: I don't either, but I'm at least more important than you.  
Francisco: I am offended. (Leaves)  
(Enter Marcellus and Horatio)  
Horatio: I'm gay for prince Hamlet!  
Barnardo: Hi, Gay For Prince Hamlet. I'm Barnardo.  
Marcellus: Holla, Barnardo!  
Barnardo: I saw a ghost!  
Horatio: No you didn't!  
(Enter Ghost)  
Ghost: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Surprise, mother[bleep]er.  
Barnardo: AH A GHOST!!!  
Horatio: WE MUST TELL MY SWEET LORD HAMLET!!! (Everyone runs away)

 

**Scene 2: Man Points -69**

Claudius: HEY EVERYONE LOOKIT MY WIFE I MURDERED HER HUSBAND AND MARRIED HER!!!  
Gertrude: I definitely don't know about that and won't question this!  
Hamlet: I know and WILL question it.  
Gertrude: Stop mourning your father's death.  
Claudius: That's unmanly.  
Hamlet: [bleep].  
Claudius: Hamlet, I am your father now so love me.  
Hamlet: (aside) A little more than kin, but less than [bleep].  
Gertrude: Hamlet, you're mean.  
Hamlet: (punches her) I'm not average. I'm Hamlet.  
Gertrude: ABUSE!!  
Hamlet: Your existence is abuse of nature.  
Gertrude: EYE CRIE!!!  
Hamlet: (to Claudius) You suck.  
Claudius: Okay everyone! Let's go watch me chug an alcoholic beverage and leave Hamlet here to cry because we all hate him and he's an [bleep]hole!!  
Everyone except Hamlet: YAY!! (Leaves)  
Hamlet: ...I'm angry, but I'm not going to do anything because I am just one tiny speck of dust on the table of reality and no matter how much I try, I will make nothing of value out of my existence in the end because once I die nothing I may do or change will stay that way forever because everything ends eventually, and so will my legacy. So instead of trying, I'm gonna kill myself. (Takes out sword)  
(Enter Horatio, Barnardo and Marcellus)  
Horatio: (knocks the sword out of Hamlet's hand and it flies away, then Horatio gets on one knee and pulls out a rose) HERE, SWEET LORD, AT YOUR SERVICE!!  
Hamlet: Yo.  
Horatio: Marry me?  
Hamlet: If gay marriage was legal, I would.  
Horatio: Yesssssssss.  
Hamlet: What's up?  
Horatio: We saw a ghost!  
Hamlet: Of who?  
Horatio: YOUR FATHER.  
Hamlet: (grabs his arm) [bleep] SUICIDE LET'S GO SEE MY FATHER. (They all leave)

 

** Scene 3: Death **

Laertes: Ophelia, sister, Hamlet can't love you.  
Ophelia: EYE CRIE. (Walks to a puddle and drowns)  
Laertes: (takes out a sword) This is Hamlet's fault. I must kill him.  
(Enter Polonius)  
Polonius: Hi I'm- (sees Ophelia dead) AH SHE'S DEAD!! (Dies of a heart attack)  
Laertes: ...Well this sucks. (Starts an instantaneous revolution and leaves)

 

** Scene 4: Logic **

Hamlet: The air bites shrewdly.  
Horatio: ...What?  
Hamlet: (sigh) It is very cold.  
(Enter Ghost)  
Hamlet: HOLY [bleep]!! FATHER!!! HEY DAD!! I'M GOING TO FOLLOW YOU BECAUSE THAT DEFINITELY SEEMS LIKE NOT A TERRIBLE IDEA!!!  
Horatio: (hugs him) NO YOU MIGHT DIE AND IF YOU DIE I WILL KILL MYSELF!!  
Hamlet: (takes out a gun) I'LL be the one to kill you if you try to stop me. (Follows Ghost)  
Horatio: ...  
Marcellus: ...There's something [bleep] in the state of Denmark.

 

** Scene 5: Genocide **

Ghost: Kill your uncle.  
Hamlet: Why?  
Ghost: Because he killed me.  
Hamlet: Okay.  
(Enter Laertes with an army)  
Laertes: You killed my father and sister!  
Hamlet: No I didn't.  
Laertes: Yes you did!  
Hamlet: (stabs him) No.  
Laertes: Oh [bleep]. (Dies)  
(The revolution peeps run away. Enter Gertrude)  
Gertrude: (holding a drink) I'M GOING TO DRINK THIS!!!  
(Enter Claudius)  
Claudius: NO DON'T!!  
Gertrude: [bleep] you I'll do what I want. (Drinks) ...Oh [bleep]. (Dies)  
Claudius: WHYYYYYYYY?!?!  
Hamlet: You killed my mother and my father. (Stabs him) Die. (Splashes poisoned drink in his face)  
Claudius: IT'S ONLY A FLESH WOUND!!! (Dies)  
(Enter Horatio)  
Horatio: Hi, my sweet- (sees the dead guys) Woah, what the hell?!  
(Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern)  
Rosencrantz: Hi!  
Guildenstern: Hey, Ham-  
Hamlet: (beheads them) Sponges must die.  
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern: YOU'RE REALLY AHEAD OF US HERE!!! (Dies)  
Horatio: WHAT IS HAPPENING?!  
Hamlet: Death. (Accidentally steps on Laertes's sword that stabs Hamlet in the balls) [bleep]!! (Falls)  
Horatio: UM?! (Hugs Hamlet) AH!!! THIS IS ALL HAPPENING TOO FAST!!!  
Hamlet: Well, I'm dead too. Don't die. (Dies)  
Horatio: Eye crie!! Good night, sweet prince!! And may flights of an-  
(Enter Fortinbras)  
Fortinbras: (grabs the crown of Denmark) I’M FORTY BRAS OF NORWAY TAKING OVER THIS [bleep]!!!! ...Ya heard?  
Horatio: ... (Stabs Fortinbras and takes the crown) I win.

 

 

  
The End


End file.
